How to write the world’s worst LinkedIn profile summary

 

After 14 years on the bench, I’m considering it might be time to get back in the game of working for pay. (Crap. Did anyone else hear horror movie music just now?)

Back in the day I had some cool jobs. Daycare teacher, hand model, bus driver, chair aerobics instructor. I moved to New York in the 90s— who didn’t, right?— where I found my inner Joan Harris in advertising, talent management and “administrative assistance.”

That was the 90s, people. The last job I held in NY, I did things with Excel spreadsheets that would explode your shoulder pads. But do those even exist any more? No idea.

I’ve had more recent freelance jobs, made some cash here and there writing, designing, even taking pictures of cars. But putting together my LinkedIn profile over the past week, it feels like what I have to offer isn’t really marketable. The things I do, I don’t have formal training for. No years of professional experience. Most of my connections are stay at home moms.

And then there’s the summary, LinkedIn’s version of a bio.

Ugh.

You know why I hardly ever submit stories anywhere? Because everybody wants a bio. And I hate talking about myself. People who talk about themselves are arrogant, annoying a-holes. Why would anyone want to hire an arrogant, annoying a-hole?

Not only are you supposed to brag about yourself, you should do it using as many words as possible. Experts say a long winded diatribe fully fleshed out summary makes potential clients and employers take notice. The more you talk up your abilities and attributes the more people will want to know you.

A fool is known by his multitude of words, I say. (Oh wait, King Solomon said that. I’ll just go add “plagiarism” to my skill set.)

These same experts also say to be yourself. MY self? There is no long version of me. Brevity excites and challenges me. I love chopping work up into tiny bits almost as much as I enjoy getting it all on paper in the first place.

I thought I’d read some other people’s summaries for ideas. It’d be funny if it weren’t so boring. Every man and his dog is “ambitious” and “detail oriented,” a “team player” “recognized in his field” for “outstanding achievement.”

Snooze. Él Snoozerino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing. If I were looking to hire, I’d bench all these guys. Maybe hire their dogs.

All I really want to say is:

I write my brains out, work my butt off and pour my heart into everything I do. How may I serve you?

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