Does this book make my butt look big?

Yes. Yes it does.

We went to the beach and I donned a bathing suit last week. Let’s just say I won’t be trying out for a Baywatch remake anytime soon.

Four "Spruce Girls" wearing wood ven...
Why don’t we wear suits like these anymore? Much more flattering to a writer’s physique.

I don’t know about you guys, but months of exercising nothing but my fingers at the keyboard and my writerly right to drink on a daily basis has left me with an ever expanding backside. My hips are as flabby as an adverb-laden Charlotte Brontë sentence. My bum’s more expansive than a Dostoyevsky novel.

So today we’re not talking about writing prompts or theme exploration. We’re talking about actual, bodily exercise. The kind that gets your heart beating faster than a Stephen King horror story.

Writers’ Exercises

Fun With Dick and Jane
Run, Jane, run.

Plot twist.

  • A. Sit up straight in your chair.
  • B. Grasp the right back of the chair with both hands, twisting your body and head to see who’s reading over your shoulder.
  • C. Repeat on the left– your eavesdropper may have moved.
Easy as Dick and Jane, right?

Right. Now let’s get started for realz.

Brainstorm.
  • A. Sit in your chair with both feet planted firmly on the floor.
  • B. Pretend you’ve just had a lightbulb moment.
  • C. Stand or jump to your feet. Shouting optional.
  • D. Realize your brainstorm was actually a brain fart. Sit down.
  • E. Repeat until you actually do have a brilliant idea.
Brain dump. 
  • A. Throw all your paper clips on the floor.
  • B. Stand on one leg, bow down to your adoring fans, picking up one paperclip per bow until the applause wanes. If your imaginary friends are as supportive as mine, this could take a while. (Thanks, Judy!)
  • C. Standing ovation not ending any time soon? Dump again and repeat standing on the other leg.
Parallel construction.
  • A. Sitting in your chair, raise legs and arms straight out in front of you.
  • B. Make a zombie face and ponder what the heck ‘parallel construction’ means until your abs give out.
Cross purposes.
  • A. Stand with feet two novels’ widths apart.
  • B. Raise arms to form a giant “X” with your body.
  • C. Touch right hand to left foot, return to “X” and touch left hand to right foot.
  • *Advanced: use novels as hand weights.
  • *Pro tip: do not drop novels on bare toes.
Pushup proof. 
  • A. Stand arm’s length away from your desk.
  • B. Lean forward, placing palms on edge of desktop, one on either side of your work in progress.
  • C. Do pushups while proofreading your text.
  • *Advanced: do one-handed pushups while simultaneously making corrections in the margins with your other hand.
Reversal.
  • A. Turn your back on your manuscript. It sucks anyway. Just kidding.
  • B. Place palms on the desk behind you.
  • C. Do reverse pushups until your characters beg you to come back or you think of a way to turn their lives upside down. Again.
The Hemingway.
  • A. Pour whiskey into a glass.
  • B. Lift glass to mouth, keeping bicep taught.
  • C. Drain glass.
  • D. Repeat. Exercise can be dehydrating– you’ve got to keep your fluid intake up.
Deus ex machina.
I’m pretty sure that means God is a machine.
  • A. You are God.
  • B. You are a machine.
  • C. Stand at a counter and write a scene of dialogue. Alternate between leg lifts and butt scrunches with each speaker change.
  • D. Add a third character and squats.
  • E. Add a fourth character and… and… I don’t know. I’m pooped.
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8 thoughts on “Does this book make my butt look big?”

  1. Wow. I giggled the whole way through this. Too awesome. Yes, I have developed what you might call ‘writers body’, and these are the perfect tips for combatting it. Ill give them a whirl, should be entertaining if nothing else.

    Like

  2. I like it! Very cute. Yeah, I started going to the gym in the morning and then my writing at night (or at least I try). Otherwise gym in the afternoon and I don’t get nearly as much writing done. Thanks for the tips!

    Like

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