If The Walking Dead taught me anything

–Imagine all our neighbors were zombies. What would we do?

–First, we’d tear apart this table.

–Why?

–I don’t know.

(Evan opens the back door and goes out on the patio.)

–Evan’s the first victim.

–Right. (shouting through the glass) Evan, you’re the first victim.

–Hey! Let me in.

–We could destroy the table and use the shards to brace the doors.

–We should lock the doors first.

–I already did.

–Let me in.

–Okay. We’ll need food. Everything that’s non-perishable.

–Yes. We’ll need to get all the candy Dad has stashed in his car.

–Let. Me. In.

–What if Brian was a zombie?

–We should kill Brian.

(Phil unlocks the door.)

–What if someone in our family was a zombie?

–Kill ’em.

–No!

–If The Walking Dead taught me anything, it’s to kill all zombies on sight.

–We should kill Brian and take his tools.

–Yes. His weed whackers, trimmers—

–All his lawn tools.

–We could turn his leaf blower into a flamethrower.

(Evan rides his bike in circles on the patio.)

–And Roy. We’d have to kill Roy because he has all the power stuff.

–Right, his generator.

–What if there’s no power?

–What tools do we have?

–We have this table.

–Let me in! Let me in!

–It’s open.

–We have iPads.

–What, we distract the zombies with iPad apps?

–I have a zombie vs. monkeys app.

–Why do we need to destroy the table again?

–I don’t know.

(Evan zombie-walks into the house.)

–We have knives.

–Which aren’t sharp. At all.

–We need a gun. Like a Gatlin gun, only with knives.

–But we need sharp knives.

–If we could get to the Middle School, they have a great resource room. And it’s close to the Dollar Store.

–Do they have a knife sharpener?

–We could break into the orchestra room and get all the pins off the basses and cellos.

–Are they silver? We need silver stakes.

–They’re zombies, not vampires.

–You have to blow their brains out.

–Wood. It’s wooden stakes that kill vampires.

–Oh right, wood.

–But you have to kill zombies in the head.

–If The Walking Dead taught me anything, it’s that zombies have to be shot in the head.

–So we need a gun. And a vehicle.

–I choose a bicycle. Every time.

–A bicycle?

–I’d choose a tank.

–Nah, they run out of gas too fast.

–Remember that zombie with no legs? She couldn’t catch the guy on a bike.

–A truck. We need a truck with a gun.

–Yeah, we need guns.

–Bikes don’t run out of gas.

–Most zombies have legs.

–Lighters. We’ll kill Roy for his lighters.

–We have lighters. We don’t have to kill Roy for lighters.

–Anyway, we already killed Roy for his generator.

–We need hairspray.

–We’re going to do our hair?

–It’s to make flames.

–I have hairspray.

–If The Walking Dead taught me anything, it’s that zombies have bad hair.

–Ho, Ho. Brian’s sprinkler. We should attach a sentry gun to it.

–Detach it from the water hose first?

–Yeah, just use the tripod so the gun swivels.

–What if the water droplets were bullets?

–Replace the water with petrol. Light the whole neighborhood on fire.

–Whatever we do, we should destroy this table right before we leave.

–Why?

–It’ll confuse the zombies.