I’m going to cheat and make two playlists.
Thirteen months ago, Punk did not love me. And I wanted out. He shat himself, then while I cleaned up the mess he decided to start working on his issues and I thought, maybe I can stay. So I started working on my stuff.
I learned that I had become a non-person, and that I needed to get out of his shadow and rediscover who I was. No more cleaning up after him; I needed to focus on me. Selfish, right? That’s what I thought- I’ll make him number one, I’ll be a zero, and together we’ll be a perfect ten.
Wrong. But it has been excruciatingly hard to change. Recovery has been slow, painful, scary, frustrating, and so very tiring. But how can I expect him to love me if I hate myself? To value me when I don’t value myself? To hear me if I don’t speak up for myself? So I have to keep trying.
The past week has been filled with more tears and anger than I care to admit. A sort of relapse, except that I think it might actually be a good thing. I do have feelings. I can say I’m angry. My tears mean I’m a real human being. And they have value. I am becoming a person.
the Recovering Codependent Spouse list
- Somebody – Depeche Mode
- Pictures of You – The Cure
- Is There Life Out There? – Reba McEntire
- I Will Remember You – Sarah McLachlan
- Whatever it Takes – Lifehouse
Before we all slit our wrists, on to playlist 2!
I have amazing friends. Friends who maybe aren’t as messed up as I am, but who get it. One in particular who is willing to tell me what I don’t want to hear, whether something
bad true about myself or something good about Punk. She refuses to let me drown in my sea of despair. She came for lunch on Wednesday, then sent an email reminding me
You have a right to be sad.
And you have a choice to be happy and blessed.
Knowing the difference is your first step toward healing.
She is a ray of sunshine. If I didn’t feel like such a pathetic loser, I’d ask her to email that to me every day for the rest of my life. I have a choice. I can be happy. I can be healed.
Another friend has no idea about any of this, but she knows I love books. And she loves books. She loaned me one two weeks ago that was so me. I couldn’t get over it. I felt so known, so understood. (Review coming soon — it was a great read!) And this morning at church we confessed to each other that we had each started a blog. I’m old enough to be her… babysitter (not quite mom) but we connect over literature. That’s fun, and I need a bit of fun.
I am so blessed and thankful for friends who brighten my life with their smiles, hugs, encouragement, laughter and love. And for Punk, who is becoming one of those friends.
the Props for Those Who Prop Me Up list
- I’ll Stand By You – the Pretenders
- Girl Put Your Records On – Corinne Bailey
- I’ll Be There For You – the Rembrandts
- You Are Not Alone – Michael Jackson
- You’ve Got a Friend in Me -Randy Newman