Who’s That Girl?

Jenny (alias) is like totally gnarly.
42, bodacious, and shall we say big boned. She’s no Slim Goodbody. Not the lean and hungry type.
Her current picture looks like a high school yearbook photo from 1985. Sky high bangs, ears outlined in diamond studs and hoops of graduated sizes, shimmery eye shadow and lip gloss. I saw her last week rockin’ an acid washed denim jacket, collar up, and a scarf she borrowed from Aerosmith.
If it were available, her number would be 867-5309. Her license plate reads some variation of 80S GIRL. Like, for sure, okay?
Jenny’s had a crush on Rick Springfield since forever. She’s been to about 50 concerts. (She keeps track. I don’t.) She finds him simply irresistible, and she would do anything for love. She has traveled all over the country to see him.
Rick even recognizes her now in the crowd. I think that’s mainly because she usually goes with her sister, who is an equally “big” fan. The two of them cutting footloose together are an awesome sight to behold– matching frosted hair, neon manicures and billboard sized “I Love You, Rick” T-shirts.
Once they saw Rick leaving through the back door of the arena after a show. They had already gotten his autograph back stage for the umpteenth time, but they won’t give up until they’re satisfied. The smart choice– the classy choice– was obvious.
Chase him.
They ran for their car and caught up to the tour bus, repeatedly swerving and pulling up beside it, trying to catch sight of him. When that baby got up to 88 miles an hour, they were gonna see some serious… “$H!T. Like, we just ran Rick’s tour bus off the road!”
I am so like not even kidding right now.
Jenny’s second passion is eating. When the girls just wanna have lunch, she’s my cherry pie. She’s a walking encyclopedia of good things at local cafés and bars. If you like piña coladas, Jenny can hook you up.
Jenny works as a waitress at a cocktail bar as a legal assistant. She’s a material girl. She saves her husband money by buying things on sale. Or at home-show parties– the ones where SAHMs make a “career” out of selling crap to other women. She will sell anything bought or processed, buy anything sold or processed, or host a show for anything sold, bought or processed.
The reason I thought of Jenny is because she posted on Facebook yesterday that her living room lights are burnt out and she is deathly afraid of changing light bulbs. (What the…?) Anyway. She’s alone in the love shack ‘cuz her husband is on the road again. Every time he goes away, he takes a piece of her with him. Evidently this time he made off with her sanity.
“What’s a girl to do?” she wrote. Is it the end of the world as we know it? Not even. Take a chill pill, dudes. The sisters are doin’ it for themselves.
“Guess we’ll just sit in the dark!”
If I know Jenny, she’s dancing in the dark. And wearing her sunglasses.
Radical.
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