Molly Ringwald Never Had Braces

The end of week two. Fun topics from John Dufresne this week- menu as memoir, marrying my first boyfriend, and top ten lists. I love Top Tens. Here are ten things I’ll tell my protagonist if she ever gets braces:

1. Your teeth move. Granted, I’m not the sharpest pencil in the pencil cup, but it did not
occur to me this was going to happen. First rule of girl scouts and getting braces: be
prepared.
2. Teeth are like girls on first dates. You have to loosen them up before they’ll go as far
as you want them to go. Braces are the cocktail that gets things moving.
3. Braces are like ill-fitting clothes; they accentuate all the wrong angles. I had no idea
my teeth were so crooked! Does this dress make your butt look big? Probably, but
I’m too distracted by that train wreck in your mouth to notice.
4. Speaking of image, I know you thought you were going to be so fabulous for that
party/prom/wedding/whatever. It’s not going to happen. The best you can hope for
here is something akin to Molly Ringwald in Pretty In Pink.

molly

She didn’t even have braces!  you cry.
The point is, I may write you pretty, but not prom queen. BTW, you
probably should not match your rubber bands to your school colors. No one is going
to say, “Oh, green and gold– you must go to Glamour High!” They’re going to tell you
you’ve got food in your teeth.
5. Getting your braces caught in someone else’s braces while kissing is impossible.
Unless your face is missing. Or you’re a shark. (I haven’t written lipless zombies
or animals yet, but who’s to say I won’t?) I suppose if you’re kissing some emo
wannabe with lip piercings things could get sketchy, but I will write you out of that
scene as fast as I can possibly type. Promise.
6. You think you’re the center of the universe, but you’re not. The people you are
worried will make fun of you are too worried about who might be making fun of them.
Only your best friends will even notice.
7. They hurt for a couple of days? Try a couple of weeks. And even
when they stop hurting, you won’t want to eat because it’s a nightmare to brush. FYI-
your travel toothbrush is always in your other bag.
8. The doctor will give you Superfloss. It’s like regular floss only it’s wearing a cape. No it isn’t.
The only thing super about Superfloss is it’s super annoying to floss.
9. Speaking of dumb names, the doctor calls himself Ortho. It’s like Bro for dental
nerds. What up, Ortho, my man? Ortho wants to see you back in six weeks. Well,
Recepto, no can do cuz Husbo and I are headed out of towno. If you get my drifto.
10. There are people out there who are actually into braces. So watch out, Protago– you
could have some unexpected attention from that cute guy you met back in chapter
two.

s

Well played, Molly.

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